The Search for Ewans Lightsaber
by Ami3
Summary: A Crossover Fic/Parody- A tale of spies and follies, Frogs and Dukes,lightsaber and thieves,double crossing and all that good stuff
1. Chapter One

1The Search For Ewans Lightsaber

Chapter One

The Duke stands there poised seriously studying his colleague Fracula- In front of the fireplace.

The Duke: Well Frog,what will it be tonight, Scrabble or Twister?

Fracula: You always beat me at Twister

The Duke: That's because you're a frog

Fracula: It's not easy being green.

The Duke: Shut Up

Meanwhile:

Ewan: My lightsaber! It was there when I went to sleep last night! Shite!

Guy: Holy Rusted Metal Ewan!

Ewan: And...who are you?

Guy: Just a Guy

Ewan: My lightsaber is gone, but, I can't stop thinking about Tony, wondering where he could be, who is he with, what is he thinking, is he thinking of me, and whether he will ever return one day. No time for that! To the Kiltmobile!

Wait a sec...What am I talking about? To the Chevy!

Seconds later:

Ewan: I need to lay off the haggis

*Alarms*

Fracula: Master Bates..

The Duke: I told you never to call me that! It was my stage name almost fifteen years ago

Fracula: Sorry. Monitor says Ewans Lightsaber has been stolen. The information

Warner dug up says that it was stolen by a spy named Ami. She has high credentials and with her small body she can get in things easy enough to be undetected.

*The Duke slams his fist on the table*

The Duke: We must find Ami and get that lightsaber,in the name of Frog Squad. Call Warner in here, I want to see the files on this Ami character.

-End Chapter 1-


	2. Chapter Two

1Chapter Two

-Somewhere in the middle of Idaho-

Dwarf-like Creature: Hi Ho Hi Ho It's off to work we go

**Smush* Car Plows over creature at high speed.

-Ami slurping down a Big Gulp whilst driving-

Ami: Oh Moshie, capturing Ewans lightsaber was so simple, I almost thought you could do it. Almost. He looked so good sleeping there in those pajama pants. I had to stop myself from jumping his bones right there and then.

Moshie: Oh Gross! Stop that before I puke.

Ami: You big baby.. So where should we go now? I feel like I could conquer the world, me and my smut hating side-kick. Taking on the world, undetected, baffling the FBI.

-Moshie shakes his head-

Ami: Hey, I think we should kidnap Zachary Quinto. He's so gorgeous. I'd really have to stop myself from doing bad things to him.

Moshie: He's Gay.

Ami: Allegedly. Okay, probably. Well cats can suck the breath out of babies. That's why people won't let cats around their kids.

Moshie: Who told you that?

Ami: I read it in a magazine, what do you think?

Moshie: I think you need to lay off those pills you're taking. Everyone knows cats can't talk.

Ami: But it'd be cool if they did... If only they did.

*Back In Canada*

Milo: Are we there yet?

Harvey: You just asked me that

Milo: Well are we?

Harvey: No.

Milo: Where are we going anyway? When are we going to eat?

Harvey: We're going to eat when the Calgary Flames win the Stanley Cup

Milo: Very funny, they'll never win it.

Harvey: That's the point.

Milo: So we'll never eat?

Harvey: You're a bright one. We're going to find our master, Ami. She's wandered off and left us

and frankly, I miss her.

Milo: How touching.

Harvey: Shut up you bedwetter.

Milo: How much farther?

Harvey: Further? Farther? I'm a uneducated chinchilla. I don't know these things. Do you have any money? Because chinchillas taking a cab is such a natural occurrence.

Milo: The thing we most have to worry about is some lady shrieking and hitting us with a broom

thinking we're a giant rat or something.

Harvey: We have alot more to worry about than that. Shut up and keep walking.

End of Chapter Two


	3. Chapter Three

1Chapter Three-

-Back at the Dukes Mansion-

The Duke: Hansel?

Fracula: Hansel?

The Duke: Hansel?

Fracula:Hansel?

The Duke: Hansel?

Fracula: Hansel?

The Duke: Enough!

Fracula:..Hansel?

The Duke: You imbecile, I thought I told you to fetch Warner for me. That was an hour ago. Where is he?

Fracula: If you wanted someone to play fetch you should've gotten a dog.

-Thwack!-

Fracula: Right away sir

Fracula (mumbling): One of these days the Frog squad will own the world and he'll be begging to do stuff for me. Like catching flies for me.. yes.. flies. Mosquitos would be even better. Lots of human blood...

-Loud Heavy Metal Playing-

Fracula: Wwwaarrner! The Boss wants you, Now!

Warner (german accent): Tell Heem I Vill be vwight zhere.

Fracula: Ya Sure, I'm just a Messenger.

-Warner pull out guns and aims-

Fracula: No! Don't shoot the messenger!

Warner: I Vhas Only kidding, have a sense of humah little frog, you'll last longah.

Fracula: Try being a frog for a day ya big pile of balding sheep dung.

Warner: Vhat deed you say!

Fracula: I said try not to.. go in the fog today or you're in for a *mumbles incoherantly*

Warner: Oh,Thanks.. .Tell zah boss I will be there soon as I use zah little boys room.

Fracula: ... Ok *coughjackasscough*

Warner: Thanks,you're a real friend

Fracula (walking away):Not if I can help it.

-Meanwhile-

Ewan: What do mean it'll cost me $1.97! The last store I bought a liter or at it cost me $1.86 What a ripoff! Do you know who I am?

Clerk: Annoying Customer?

Ewan: Fuckin' Dickhead.

End Chapter Three


	4. Chapter Four

Chapter Four  
  
--An Igloo Somewhere in Canada--  
  
The Duke: I'm freezing my nuts off,what is  
  
the point of this torture? Waaaarner!!  
  
Warner: Well sir, I'm not sure exactly.  
  
Zee brains belong to you and Fracula. I  
  
just do the hard stuff like zee shooting  
  
people and stuff.  
  
The Duke: May I have a moment alone  
  
please..?  
  
-Fracula and Warner clear out of the  
  
igloo into a field of grass and sun,rabbits  
  
running freely at their feet-  
  
The Duke: What have I done? Oh well,  
  
at least I have this mirror to keep me happy  
  
-Pulls out a mirror-  
  
*Crack*  
  
The Duke: Bugger!  
  
-Meanwhile-  
  
Ami: Here we are, finally. The great country  
  
of Scotland.Land of kilts and haggis, and  
  
hairy men with their beer and their damn  
  
fine accents.  
  
Triumph the Comic Insult Dog: For me to  
  
Poop on!  
  
Ami: How'd you get in here!? Get out of  
  
my car and take your hand puppet with  
  
you.  
  
--~-  
  
*Ribbit*  
  
Fracula: Mommy? Is that you? 


	5. Chapter Five

Chapter Five  
  
The Duke: Now, let's get down to business.  
  
I want that Lightsaber, do anything you have  
  
to do to get it or else... no more trips to Grandma's  
  
house. Understand?  
  
Warner: Yes Boss.  
  
The Duke: And Warner, No More dancing! You're  
  
a big bald guy, you stand out, you don't blend in.  
  
You must get this lightsaber before the day Moulin  
  
Rouge comes out on DVD. If you don't, you'll be  
  
out on the street where I found you.  
  
--Power goes out in the mansion--  
  
The Duke: Warner! Is that your Hand?  
  
Warner: Yes... Yes it is  
  
The Duke: Oh. *blush*  
  
--  
  
*Insert Mission Impossible Theme Here*  
  
--FzzzztWhhhrrrrrrr--  
  
Ewan: Shite, it ate my tape again. Damn Chevy.  
  
My Kiltmobile wouldn't eat my tape. What am  
  
I going to do? I hope my super friends arrive soon  
  
--Wayne Brady runs in--  
  
Wayne: Sorry I'm Late  
  
Ewan: I'm glad you're here.. Flashdance boy  
  
--Starts dancing--  
  
Ewan: Wait a sec, we're in a car, how are you dancing?  
  
--Screeeecch-- *BOOM*  
  
Biggot Cabbie: EH! Get out of my way  
  
Ewan: Sorry, I, my mind was wandering and..  
  
Biggot Cabbie: I don't give a crap you stupid slinky  
  
ho!  
  
Ewan: I'm not a Ho, you can't call a guy a Ho.  
  
Biggot Cabbie: Sure you're a guy, you don't fool me. You  
  
people area plague to society and I won't stand for it  
  
in my cab.. *goes on rambling*  
  
Ewan: Oh well.  
  
----  
  
Ewan: I need a drink  
  
~-~-~-~-  
  
Ami: Alright, enough pissing around with this plot.  
  
Let's get down to business..  
  
End Chapter Five 


	6. Chapter Six

1Chapter Six

The Duke: Throw Open the Switches on the Sonic Oscilator! I've always wanted to say that... hm.

Warner: Uhm, Thees thingy sir?

The Duke: Yes you Idiot. Get me a Brandy.

Warner: What's an Oscilator?

The Duke: Never mind. Are all our plans ready for action?

Warner: Yes Sir. Eet iz ready to go. The ..

The Duke: No don't start talking about it, you'll give away the plot. Our plan is top secret, let them find out when they do...

Ami: What do you think Moshie.. The fuzzy pink g-string or the fuzzy black one with the funny blinking li.. oh you're here. Uh,I was just doing last minute Christmas shopping for..my

Grandma. But now that you're here let's get on this plot thing before we lose readers or even worse, get flamed.

Ewan: Maybe if I lift up my kilt I'll be able to.. position myself..better. There! Who knew you could ride an Ibex. Hi Ho Silver, Away! *bucks his feet* Awe come on, I've got to

get my lightsaber back.. I'll give you some tasty leaves. That's better. I think I'll name you...Hugo.

One Armed Man: Hey! Get into your own lane you reject. Where'd you get your license,a crackerjack box?

Ewan: Yes,Yes I I'm not proud of it. Hey do you know the way to the a good pub around here?

One Armed Man: Sure man, keep going straight and take a left at that stop sign. Way up there's a joint you might like.

Ewan: Thanks.

Frederick: Help me.. Please.

Nicole Kidman: Hey Ewan, I've seen your lightsaber. Some girl was waving it our of her car. You should get it back. Your codpiece just isn't the same.

Ewan: Ok.. Ami stop writing your starting to make no sense. Cut to the Duke or something.

The Duke: Why me? I'm trying to better my evil plot. Come back later. Shut the door behind you, I don't want to catch cold. It's chilly out there.

End Chapter Six


	7. Chapter Seven

1-Chapter Seven

Fracula: So what do you think about this whole Lord of the Rings thing? Does the movie live up to the book?Have you even read a book before?

Warner: Zat is not Funnee and has nothing to do with zee general plot. Eet's hurtful vhen you make fun of me zee way you do.I may not look smart but I have feelings too.

Fracula: Should I leave you two alone for a minute?

Warner: Vewwy funny. Now, when does the plane leave for ***Connection Lost***

Scotland

Ami: This is Ewans birthplace. Thank God people who have no jobs stand around handing out maps to stars houses or we never would have made it. This is where Ewan stays when he's not busy with his big film career.

I wonder if Ewan brings his wife here...but that's not important.I'll leave my jealousy out of this. What are we doing here? Well, truthfully, I.. don't know how to use a lightsaber. I don't have a lightsaber myself so how would I know how to use one? That's why I need an um, instruction manual..I should just hop in the sack with Angelina Jolie and call it a day, but my bed is still sticky from the last time she was over. Let's do this.

*boosts Moshie through the window*

Ami: Now Moshie, go open the front door. No, don't go to sleep.. no,bad kitty! Maybe I should have trained you first. No more snickerdoodles for you.

*Car pulls up*

Ami: Look Moshie, a car. You should ,yeah.

Warner: Heere vee are Boss. Zee Scotland house of Ewan Mcgregor. Thank God people who have no jobs stand around handing out maps to stars houses or we never would have made it.

*The Duke points at the big lit up sign that says

'House of Ewan Mcgregor, Obi Wan Kenobi of Star Wars'*

Warner mumbles: Get a Hair cut you red headed bozo, you think you're so smart but I'm the one who does all the hard work You just sit there and boss us around like the big moustached bozo that you are. .

The Duke: I'm standing right here.

Warner: I know.

The Duke: Quick, get Fracula in there so we can see if we can find anything useful.

Warner: Vhere eez Fracula anyway? I haven't seen heem since vee stopped at a bathroom in Madrid.

The Duke: Oh, well I guess you're going to have to get in there somehow and have a look around.

Warner:What about zee rest of zee Frog Squad they can fit in zhere.

The Duke: So go to it you Buffoon

End Chapter Seven


	8. Chapter Eight

1Chapter Eight

Frog Squad: We found a Recipe for Haggis!

::

A sheep's paunch

liver, heart and tongue of a sheep

1/2 lb suet

2 large onions

1/2 lb oatmeal

1/2 teaspoon powdered herbs

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon pepper

Wash paunch and soak overnight in cold salted water. Wash the liver, heart and tongue and boil in salted water for 2 hours. Reserve water. Then cut in pieces, removing gristle and skin, and mince. Mince together the suet and onions and toeast the oatmeal to a golden brown. Mix all together adding salt, pepper and herbs, moisten with water which the offal was boiled in. Fill the paunch two-thirds full of the mixture and dew up. Prick over with a darning needle, to prevent bursting. Place haggis in boiling water and boil for 3 hours. Serve with mashed potatoes and swede.

Warner: What's a Swede?

The Duke: Look..

Warner: Vhat Boss?

The Duke: That Guy over there in the Calgary Flames jersey has... monkeys flying out of his..butt. What a queer thing to see.

Harvey: Excuse me.. I speak for myself and Milo when I say that, we've hardly been in this story yet and..

Ami: Shut up! You'll blow my cover! Do you want that? Do you have any idea what they will do to me if they find me? And the lightsaber, Do you want them to get it?

Milo: No but..

Ami: I'll write you in the next chapter, you're not even in the same place as me right now. This story has to make some sense, emphasis on the 'some' part of that.

Harvey: All your readers think you're a freak.

Ami: I know. They're right.

Harvey: Next Scene or else..

The Duke: Did you hear something?

Warner: No Boss I didn't have my hearing aid turned up. Should I send the Frog Squad back in to

do another search?

The Duke: Yes and hurry up, we have to go pick up Fracula, if he hasn't already wandered off somewhere. Tra La La La La.

End Chapter Eight


	9. Chapter Nine

1Chapter Nine

~A Dark Pub~

Ewan -slurring: I was in this movie once with this guy, and he and I kissed alot. Boy did we piss

the production people off.

Bartender: That's great, finish your drink and leave buddy I think you've had enough.

*Man in the Corner slips the Bartender $50~

Man: This should cover him, now just slip this in your pocket and go tend somewhere else.

*Bartender ponders for a moment then walks to the other end of the bar*

Ewan: Thankss. Hey what's your name?

Man: Fracula

Ewan: What kind of name is Fracula?

Man: What kind of name is Ewan?

Ewan: Right.

Fracula: I had to sneak away from my boss. He just gets so mean to me and I think of the good

times we had together and it just makes me sad.

Ewan: Sorry man. Nice cape you have there.

Fracula: Oh this old thing. I have to tie it on tight or else it falls off and everyone has to look for

it.

Ewan: Oh.. uhm.. that's too.. bad.

Fracula: Anyhow..

Ewan: Hey.. uhm, tell me more about your Boss?

Fracula: I couldn't .. I.. he...

Ewan: Come on come on..

Fracula: Oh alright. Where do I start, I've been drinking heavily so I'll remember as best I can.

Well, I met him in a hotel lobby masterbating with a magazine, he said how'd you like to

waste some time and I could not resist when saw my Dukey grind. He took me to his

castle and I just couldn't believe my eyes. He had so many devices, everything that money

could buy.

Ewan: Sorry to interrupt but.. What kind of devices?

Fracula: Devices for world domination. Devices of all different kinds, it was a sight to behold.

And I was scared at first. You know any frog.. I mean man would be. You don't know what

kind of sicko you are going home with and what he'll do to you when you get there. He

poured me a drink and we talked in front of the fire for a long time, we talked about everything.

And finally I agreed to join him in his plans. I liked him and I wanted to get to know him

better and I wanted him to like me so I went along with him. And then I met Warner, A big

bald guy with some sort of accent who likes cigars and brandy.

Ewan: Warner did you say? And the Duke, they both sound familiar it's all starting to make

sense.

Fracula: What Is?

Ewan: Oh just this movie I saw. The antagonist was the Duke and he had this big manservant

Warner. But that was just a movie. How do you know them if they were movie characters

played by Richard Roxburgh and Linal Haft?

End Chapter Nine


	10. Chapter Ten

Chapter Ten  
  
Fracula: It's a long story Ewan. A very long story but if you want to hear it.. I have no where  
  
else to be. Until my boss comes to get which I'm sure he'll do after he's done with his bitch,  
  
Warner. I was his bitch once.. But anyways..  
  
Ewan: Yes I would really like to hear this.  
  
Fracula: Alright then. It started with the movie, as you said, Moulin Rouge, which of course  
  
you are familiar with as you were in it. There was a fan, a very strange obsessive fan they  
  
say she watched it very much at her home and at the theatre. And she wished with all  
  
her heart and soul that she could be a part of it, the story drew her in so much that one  
  
night she looked up at the stars and made a wish. Her wish came true, they came alive  
  
and it all played out one faithful night and see was there to see it all. Satine died in his  
  
arms. The Moulin Rouge is still there, the Duke is still alive as is Warner and Christian.  
  
Ewan: Wow.  
  
Fracula: Now Ami has stolen something my boss wants so he drags me around the  
  
world to get it.  
  
Ewan: My Lightsaber!  
  
Fracula: Yes, your Lightsaber. He wants it and do whatever is in his power to get it.  
  
Ewan: But Why?  
  
Fracula: Jealousy.. Greed.. Pick something. Maybe in his deranged mind he is taking  
  
revenge over the loss of Satine. He is from the movie and the story is his, he was there.  
  
Satine was lost to him. Satine chose Christian. You're aware of the story but you  
  
played him he thinks it's you. But that doesn't explain why he wants your lightsaber.  
  
In all honesty I don't really know what he wants with it. I only know that he is in  
  
Scotland now breaking into your home to look through your things for something  
  
that will lead him to it. Or was it.. for instructions.. I don't know I'm not there,I'm here  
  
with you.  
  
Ewan: I have to call someone!  
  
Fracula: No! You Can't! He'll know that I told you and I'm afraid he'll disown me..or  
  
even kill me. No, You can't call anyone.  
  
Ewan: Why couldn't she have brought out the characters from Velvet goldmine instead  
  
of some whacked out Duke who has a some real issues.  
  
Fracula: Only Ami can answer that. We should find her, or.. you should because as  
  
soon as the Duke is finished what he's doing he'll be here, I can't be out with you.  
  
If my theory is right, Ami should have your lightsaber in her posession. You must  
  
find her and get it back before the Duke gets his hands on it. Do you understand?  
  
Ewan: Yes.. Yes. But where? how?  
  
Fracula: I've already said too much. Trust No One. *runs out of the bar* 


	11. Chapter Eleven

1-Chapter Eleven

Back in Scotland

The Duke: Ah, So he's not as smart as he makes himself out to be. We will go back to headquarters now and try to decipher why I'm still single. And then, we will call all your cousins..

Warner: All my single cousins?

The Duke: No you imbecile, your cousins will help us find this Ami...And then the lightsaber will be ours!

Ami: So, they have no idea where I am. But I know now that he wants this lightsaber. He'll do anything to get it. I musn't let him get it. But what now? I can't run all my life. I wonder where everyone else is... Zidler... Toulouse... Nini... Would they help me if I asked them to? The girls would, they all want a piece of Ewans lightsaber. Who doesn't these days? Yes, I will find them and beg them to help me. But first, the Whores!

*Disco lights come down from the ceiling and scantily clad women show up*

The Duke: Did you hear something?

Warner: Zhere's disco lights coming from zhat tree over zhere.

The Duke: What are you waiting for huh! My boobs to pop out of my shirt.

Go over there and see what's going on.

Warner: Yes Boss.

*Warner singing* : Vhen I vas just a leetle girrl I asked my mudder vhat will I be,

Vill I be pretty Vill I be Rich,Here's what she said to me.. Que Sera Sera, whatever

vill bee vill bee

The Duke: Will you stop the incessant droning!

Warner: Grump!

The Duke: You're very lucky I was too far away to hear that.

Warner: Yes Boss.

Ami: Quick! Hide! Go on you whores. Except you, I don't think this Warner guy has been with a girl for a very long time.

-End Chapter 11-


	12. Chapter Twelve

1Chapter Twelve

Warner: Zhat Chocolate covered Pretzel didn't taste right.

Ami: That's because it wasn't chocolate.

Warner: Zhen vhat was it?

Ami: You don't want to know.

Warner: Yes I doo.

Ami: No you don't.

Warner: Yes I doo.

Ami: No, you don't.

Warner: *pulls out a gun* Yes, I doo.

Ami: You don't want to do that.

Warner: Yes I... oooh, you. Now tell me, vhat vas it?

Ami: Vell Mish Moneypenny, it was *BEEP*

Warner: Gack! Pah! Eyuck! Vhy did you tell me that?

Ami: Cuz you asked me to you big pile of stupid.

Warner: Oh. Vhell now, you die.

Ami: I'm too young to die! What about the children! Please! will someone think of the children. Little timmy is sick, they say he'll die soon,but he can't! He just can't! What would I do without him?

Warner: Stop.. Stop I'm going to cry.

Ami: And we wouldn't want that would we ya big lug

*Ami busts out some Matrix shiznit and kicks Warner across the room*

The Duke: Oof! Get off me! What are you doing back over here? Get the Girl! I want that lightsaber Warner. I will not leave without it.

Warner: Sorry boss, she kicked me! It really hurt!

The Duke: Get back over there NOW before I add your head to my trophy room.

Warner: Yes Boss.

-Meanwhile-

Fracula: My father was an alcoholic. All he drank was Budweiser, every night. He never loved me, he told me all the time that I was a mistake.

Ewan: What happened to him?

Fracula: One night after a heavy drinking binge he tried getting home, you know across a busy road and then onto some logs and that. He didn't make it past the road. After that my Mom and I were free.

Ewan: Oh. How did your mom take it?

Fracula: Are you kidding? She invited Kermit and some of the ninja turtles over and had a big orgy.

-End Chapter Twelve-


	13. Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Thirteen  
  
The Duke: Now I have you and i'm going to take this oppurtunity to kill you.  
  
Then the lightsaber will be mine.  
  
Ami: *muffled*  
  
The Duke: I don't have to take this.  
  
*The Duke pulls out a gun and shoots Ami in the head*  
  
-Ami steps out of the shadows and pulls off the mask of the bleeding body  
  
on the floor-  
  
The Duke: Warner! Noooo! You monster!  
  
Ami: Part of being in the business man. And hey, haven't you seen your  
  
own movies? Yeesh.  
  
The Duke: Wait, this is Chapter Thirteen right? Thirteen is a bad luck number.  
  
I should've known. So you're a smart girl. But what are you going to do now?  
  
I still have four bullets in my gun and there's no more smoke and mirrors for you  
  
to hide behind. I have ways of making you talk.  
  
Ami: I'd love to stay around and hear them but I have to go..  
  
Just a guy: Oh My god, you killed Warner! You Bastard!  
  
Ami: Ok.  
  
*Ami fires up her rocketpack and flies away*  
  
The Duke: Bugger. You died for nothing my poor Warner.  
  
-Meanwhile-  
  
Ewan: ...Wet Dreams may come,and then he died.  
  
Fracula: Wow.  
  
Ewan: Yeah. So why hasn't your boss come to get you yet?  
  
Fracula: If only I knew my dear Scotsman. Want another whiskey? I'm buying.  
  
Ewan: Sure.  
  
Fracula: I won a bet once.  
  
Ewan: What?  
  
Fracula: I won a bet with Warner. He bet me I couldn't get The Duke into bed  
  
with me for one night of frog passion.  
  
Ewan: Did you?  
  
Fracula: Well yes, it was the best night of my life. Then the next morning I  
  
almost got ran over crossing the road. Those logs after the road are a bitch.  
  
Ewan: What?  
  
Fracula: Never mind. The Duke was..wonderful. I got him drunk, I'm sad it  
  
had to be like that but I've wanted him forever. I made him my bitch, boy does  
  
he scream in the midst of passion.  
  
Ewan: Great. Did he remember? Were things different after that?  
  
Fracula: Well, if he did remember he sure didn't show it.  
  
The Duke: Didn't show what? 


	14. Chapter Fourteen

1Chapter Fourteen

Fracula: Boss!

The Duke: You know, people are always surprised to see me.

Fracula: You snuck up on us.

The Duke: Just like Ron Howard did with 'A Beautiful Mind.' We lost to a movie about a schizophrenic, who'da thought. And Baz who picked us from the air and made me who I am, I can't think of how Nicole Kidman felt losing to Halle Barry.

Ewan: You mean, you know you're a ficticious character?

The Duke: Oh, yes. It doesn't mean we don't have feelings.

Ewan: I see.

The Duke: But let's talk business shall we? Bartender get me a whiskey,tonight should prove to be very interesting.

-Meanwhile-

Unknown: The plan went perfectly my partner in crime,my sidekick, the carrots to my peas self.. ok. So now we go ahead with the rest of my plan and hopefully by Thursday we'll be out of the country and they'll never get us.

Unknown: Who won't? We're not going to Mexico are we? Everyone goes there when they're getting away from police or mob bosses. Or crimes in general.

Unknown: No, we're not going to Mexico, just do what you're told ok.

Unknown: Ok.

Unknown: And work on that accent, it's starting to sound a bit off.

Unknown: Alright boss.

Fracula: What happens tonight?

The Duke: I just explained in my big song and dance number then I drew it all up on a marker board and explained it in my Elvis voice, your favorite. Weren 't you paying attention?

Fracula: I was under.. with.. nevermind.

The Duke: Alright one more time, but make the man with the laptop leave first.

Fracula: Uh that's not a man. And what about Ewan?

The Duke: Don't worry, he has a part in this too.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Fifteen  
  
Man: What are you French?  
  
Not so Mannish: Yes you silly English type, why do you think I have this outrageous  
  
accent.  
  
Man: Dropped on your head one too many times?  
  
Not so Mannish: Your mother was a Preacher and your Father smelt of gooseberries!  
  
Man: No No, It's your mother was a hamster..  
  
Not so Mannish: Your mother was a bastard..  
  
Man: No No hamster,and your Father smelt of elderberries.  
  
Not so Mannish: My father smelt of what? How dare you insult my father for being  
  
French,it's a myth you know, that the French smell.  
  
Man: Right, now get off my lawn.  
  
Not so Mannish: I claim this lawn in the name of France.  
  
Man: What! You can't do that.  
  
Not so Mannish: I just did you empty headed trout sniffer, I'll boil your eyes and send  
  
them to your aunty.  
  
Man: I'm calling the Police!  
  
-  
  
Ami: They're on to me now Moshie. But I'm not Afraid. I am invincible.  
  
Moshie: No you're not!  
  
Ami: Eat your corndog Cat.  
  
-A few Drinks Later-  
  
The Duke: So what do you say? No commitment, No awkwardness afterwards, and  
  
I'll even buy you lunch after.  
  
Ewan: Why are you doing this?  
  
The Duke: My manservant, Warner, was killed by the same person who stole your  
  
lightsaber.  
  
Ewan: Manservant, how does one get that job? Anyways, I'm flattered Mister..Duke.  
  
The Duke: Is that a Yes?  
  
Ewan: Well.. Fracula here has told me of your sexual.. habits. And I Hope you don't  
  
think I'll be an accessory in your plan after thi..  
  
The Duke: Hit him! Now!  
  
*Everything goes black*  
  
--Thud--  
  
The Duke: No Bartender, there's no Problem, he's just had a little too much to drink.  
  
We'll take care of him. Don't worry.  
  
~-~  
  
Ewan: Where am I?  
  
The Duke: Where do you think?  
  
Ewan: Pepperland?  
  
The Duke: Pepperla.. No! Not Pepperland.You're in my Hideout..  
  
Ewan: This looks like an ordinary apartment to me.  
  
The Duke: Right. Well.. Mother says I'm not responsible enough to have my own  
  
house. Shut up, I have a Mansion elsewhere but I brought you here so we could  
  
be alone.  
  
*Gulp*  
  
The Duke: I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. You stay put.  
  
tee hee  
  
-Ewan realizes he's tied to the bed-  
  
The Duke: I want you to know that it's not just your body that I want... 


	16. Chapter Sixteen

1-Chapter Sixteen

Ewan: How did I get myself into this? And better yet, How am I going to get out of this? Am I comfortable enough with my sexuality to just go ahead and do this? Hell I've done things with guys before, but not with a Duke. An old Japanese man, a Rock star, I got my lightsaber out more than once.

The Duke: Who are you talking to?

Ewan: No one. Wow you look beautiful

-The Duke blushes-

The Duke: That's just the alcohol talking..I want to lay you down on your Kiltmobile and lick whipped cream off your chest. Or what if I dressed in a polar bear outfit and we lived in a freezer where we'd have to make love to keep warm.

Ewan: You're a complex man Mister...Duke.I'm seeing a whole new side of you right now.

The Duke: Do you.. like, this side?

*Fades out and we cut to Ami, somewhere, doing something*

Ami: Well, it's been a very strange day. All I want to do is get into bed with a nice book. And by book I mean beautiful redheaded hooker. Because this chapter is so short I guess I can let you in on the action. No! Don't stop reading. I don't mean that kind of action. Jeez, what do you take me for? Some kind of smuttress. Funny side note: If you Google smuttress it asks if you meant mattress. Which leads us to our next location.

*We find ourselves in a Plush bedroom. We see the silhouette of a woman behind black lace Curtains*

Ami: Jessica Rabbit?

Woman: You're a lark.

Ami: I'm a human being, goddamnit!

Woman: I told you not to find me.

Ami: I have a tendency to do what I'm told not to.

Woman: What do you want? I have things to do.

Ami: People. I have to talk to you about.. *closes the door*

End Chapter Sixteen


	17. Chapter Seventeen

1Chapter Seventeen

Ewan: I take no responsibility for what she just wrote, truly I don't, I'm just a Scotsman trying to earn a living.

Duke: Who are you talking to!

Ewan: Myself.

Duke: Then shut up, I'm trying to get in the mood.

Ewan: In the mood for love.

Duke: Why yes, sure whatever you want to call it. Making love, driving it home, having sex, doing the deed, copulation, fornication, making it, getting laid, bopping, horizontal mambo, going at it, the ole slap and tickle, banging, dipping one's wick, giving here one, grinding the hanky panky, playing hide the bologna, getting a hot beef injection.

Ewan: I get the point.

Duke: That's good. Shall we.

Ewan: Well, I don't know, I'm sorta saving myself.

Duke: What?

Ewan: I'm saving myself, for when I get married like.

Duke: You want to marry me? Hey! You ARE married, you have a little girl, who are you trying to fool here?

.

Ewan: I don't know wha..no! You're thinking of my identical twin, he gets mistaken for me all the time. His name is Rufio.

Duke: Rufio?

Ewan: Yes, Rufio.

Duke: Enough! of this chatter. You .. don't think I'm sexy, is that right?

Ewan: No, I mean yes I do! How could I not with your.. bedroom eyes and your..fluffy red hair and your ..uh manly body.

Duke: Stop, you're making me blush like a girl.

Ewan: Look turn out the lights and get on with it. I want to find my lightsaber and get back to work.

-Two minutes later- The Duke rolls over and lights a cigarette

Duke: That was good, and probably the only sex in this honky story.

Ewan: No actually, well, maybe. Who knows right?

...

Ewan: Look!

Duke: What?

Ewan: You mean where. Look, someone's coming.

Duke: Other than me?

Ewan: Sick.

Duke: Oh my..No!. Not...

-To be Continued-

Ami: Oh, you're still here. Here, check out this deleted scene:

Ewan: So, The Duke-

Duke: Please,call me Harriet

Ewan: Harriet? What kind of name is Harriet.

Duke: What kind of name is Ewan? Wasn't this done a couple chapters ago? I'm going to further the plot by confessing that I'm madly in love with you and now that we've done the deed I simply cannot leave your side.

Ewan: Fie! I didn't make love to you at all. Sorry, Harriet. I'm afraid your undying love is no other than..

-Tune in next time. Same Duke time, same Duke channel-

Ami: What! Two cliffhangers in the same chapter? Someone's on a roll.

End Chapter Seventeen


	18. Chapter Eighteen

1

Chapter Eighteen

Unknown: Did you get it?

Unknown: Yeah, but it wasn't easy. I had to cross duh streams to get it.

Unknown: Let's see it.

Unknown: Ok,but I'm kinda shy.

Unknown: Come on! There isn't much time,get those things off.

Unknown: Alright! Here goes nothing..

~~*~*~*~*~*~This Space for Rent~*~*~*~*~*~~

Back to your regularly scheduled,whatever.

Duke: And don't let anyone tell you otherwise,you're cute as a button just the way you are..

Ewan: Hey Duke if you're done with your pep talk I'd like to be untied. It 's nice running around looking for my lightsaber and sleeping with fictional characters but I do have a career.

Duke: Oh, like.. An Obi Wan Kenobi career? I should like to meet George Lucas one day. Weren't you just about to tell me who I made love to?

Ewan: Oh,yeah,it was none other than..the skinny French non-Pride of Canada, Celine Dion. Don't worry, she only gives birth to popsicles. So, when are you love birds getting married?

Duke: I've always wanted a spring Wedding in a Victorian castle or surrounded by flowers on a nice beach with the tide rolling in..

-Somewhere Beyond the Sea-

Fracula: I can see pipsqueak!

Unknown: Shh! Do you want to give away my position.

Fracula: We're the only ones here at the mom- agh! I lost my cape again! Help me find it would you.

Unknown: Why do you even need a cape? You're a frog.

Fracula: A Vampire Frog. Who asked for your opinion. Just do what you're told. And for god's sake put some pants on!

Unknown: I have no Arms or legs.

Fracula: Oh. I forgot. Here's a gun. Come back when you're of use again.

*Unknown exits stage left and Fracula addresses you the Audience*

Fracula: When he gets back I'll introduce you. I think I'll have a seat in my handy dandy thinking chair. Would you kindly let yourself out.

End Chapter Eighteen.


	19. Chapter Nineteen

Eddie the Freezer Dwelling Biker: There's too much Sax in this Story!  
Some Jerk: At least there's a Plot.  
Other Guy: In Rod we Trust.

Celine Dion: I'm Pregnant!  
Ewan: Go back to Vegas you Drama Queen, they actually like you there.  
Celine Dion: I must report to the Bloc Quebecois immediatement!  
Ewan: Yeah whatever lady, you're so 1997. .. So anyways, how about writing me more Scottish. Hinka cumfae cashore canfeh, Ahl hityi oar hied 'caw taughtie.  
Ami the writer/Agent: Done and Done, now...

Unknown: Damn you! I asked for no pre-cooked bacon! It just goes right to my thighs.  
Blonde Unknown: So pick it o.. Sorry, about that, I was.  
Unknown: Show me yours.  
Blonde Unknown: My what.  
Unknown: Your sandwich, what else would I be talking about you undersexed creatin.  
Blonde Unknown: Say, haven't there been enough dumb jokes in this piece.  
I mean, haven't they been represented, you can't overdo a good thing, or it becomes, a not so good thing, you know.  
Unknown: That's It! My Room! Now! Cut to Someone Else.

We see a Cozy bedroom with a bear skin rug, red velvet curtains and a huge canopy bed- cut to a dingy bare white variously unknown stained room

Unknown: Us Again?  
Ami: No, another Unknown, you're not the only unknown you know.

Unknown: Email Email Email .. Email..Email email email Email Email email email Email email Email email email Email email Email, for sooth.  
-Your head A Splode

Next Chapter some, Whatever. Cue the Music. 


End file.
